The New Door Test — The Bronx Tales

One of my favorite movies is The Bronx Tales.  I don’t know why, because sometimes I think the main actor’s (the guy who played C) performance was a bit stale, even though I can’t imagine anyone else in that role.  I swear I can almost retell you that whole movie.   One of my favorite parts in the movie is the clip above, when Sonny tells C about the door test.  Basically, it’s a test to find out if your date is one of the three true loves.  According to Sonny, you only get three.

As for the door test, Sonny says that you take a girl out, and when you pick her up, you make sure the doors are locked — the windows up tight.  So you take the girl to the car, you put the key in the door, and you open the door for her.  You let her in the car, shut the door, and walk around the back.  While you’re walking around the back of the car, you look inside, and your date doesn’t reach over and unlock your door, then you dump her.  You dump her right there and move on.

Of course, this test requires that you have manual locks in your car, and how many people still have automatic locks?  Well, when I was younger and I had a car with manual locks — a beautiful Subaru Legacy wagon — I used to test every woman who came into my car — even if I wasn’t romantically into them.  If they passed the test, then I did sort of think about it.

But I guess this reveals something about how corny I am.  So what?  I am a guy who believes in true love.  I believe that there are certain people out there in the world who are meant to find each other.  I know that sounds lame, especially since the woman I’m about to marry, ah hum, failed the door test, but she has spent the last several years making up for it.

And I think these types of test are somewhat important — while more fun than accurate — and it’s a shame that everyone has automatic locks so they can’t perform the love assessment.  So I’ve come up with a new test.

Say it’s you and your significant other, and you’re watching a television show together.  Make it the brand new episode of Breaking Bad.  Well, at this point, you should have a buddy call you — or fake an excuse to go outside.  Walk around outside, and wherever you are, make sure you can see your date, and if she doesn’t hit pause on that DVR so you don’t miss a part of the show — dump her.  Dump her good.  And never look back.

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